Tantrums

The toddler years may be occasionally characterised by three types of tantrums.

Frustration tantrums - These are often related to the child’s developmental restrictions. The square block will not fit through the round hole in the shape-sorter. The doll will not sit on the chair for the tea party. The bike will not pass through the space between the fence and the tree.

Two suggestions:

1.Teach you child how to grasp those skills in your one-to-one play times each day. Maybe keep the shape-sorter out of sight until you can play with him. Once he can master it, it can stay out for general play. Have a tea party together and demonstrate how the doll can sit by leaning against the wall. Guide your child around the tree, maybe over a bump you have made rather than near the fence.
2.Teach your child how to ask for help when he is frustrated. Your pre-verbal child can learn to raise his hand to ’ask’ for help. Your older toddler can say ”Help please, Mum”. By role-playing these situations when your child is happy, and encouraging the right response, your toddler can learn to manage his frustration. My child knew that mummy couldn’t come and help pull his bike out from the sandpit if he squealed. If he asked nicely, mummy would promptly help. Calm consistency enhances the learning.

Tiredness tantrums – These are obviously related to fatigue – either due to lack of sleep, illness, or temporary or constant over-stimulation and over-socialisation. If your child has a performance most days straight after lunch and/or dinner, that ends in the child falling asleep on the spot, then they are probably overtired.

Two suggestions:

1.Give your child a wonderful, life-long gift. Teach them to sleep continuously through the night. Also, allow them to have a nap or rest time each afternoon.
2.Slow down. Cut media input down to 40 – 50 minutes each day. Create a calm and quiet environment in your home. Have a quiet ‘home’ day in between each ‘out’ day. A balanced week, and a balanced day, alternating between busy and quiet activities, will ensure your child is well rested and hence happy too!

Temper tantrums – These are displays of disapproval of your decisions. Tantrums may include biting, whining, yelling, swearing, kicking, throwing, vomiting, head-banging, breath-holding, undressing, scratching, sulking, hiding, hitting, running and tears.

Two suggestions:

1.Never, ever give in to a tantrum. It will be ten times worse next time.
2.Have a calm and consistent consequence. Do not talk to the child in the middle of their performance. Isolate yourself or the child and have a very meaningful consequence when they are done.

Of course there is also the combination tantrum. This is when the child is frustrated, tired and cross all at the same time. Not much fun!

There are two main schools of thought on how to manage tantrums.

Ignore all the little stuff, only focus on the ‘big’ displays of tantrums. You will overwhelm your self and the child if you focus on every little thing. The child doesn’t understand until they are verbal at 2.5 – 3 years, anyway.

Focus diligently on the little stuff, and you wont often have the ‘big’ displays of tantrums. Your child can be learning this right from the crawling stage. This I refer to as the ‘softball diamond approach’ in my pink book.

Parenting is hard work. We can chose to be Pro-active or Re-active in relation to tantrums. We can work hard pro-actively on the root causes of the tantrums, or we can work hard re-actively on the expression of them. Here are some examples:

Self-control – We can use our all day, every day activities in a structured but flexible routine to teach self-control. Learning self control as child accepts mums choice for breakfast. Learning self control by playing in one spot, with the designated toys, for the designated length of time. Learning self control to sit and watch the video for 20 mins. Learning self control to use the playdoh in the way mum does – not own method! Or we can allow our child to choose the events of the day, and we can react to the lack of self control their behaviour will show. Both are hard work. Which is more fun for mum? Which is more fun for toddler?

Shopping – We can reactively deal with the child who expresses their frustration and temper in the supermarket, due to a lack of self control. Or we can patiently teach our child to sit patiently, to obey mummy, to not whine for things, to not demand food and to speak quietly at home. Then these behaviours will be evidenced in the supermarket. Both are hard work. Which is more fun for mum? Which is more fun for toddler?

Meals and Nap/Sleep time – Tantrums at these key events in the day point to a day filled with too many choices – either in the structure of the day (child choosing when and where to play) or within the structure of the day (mum chooses video time; but child choses the title, mum says its reading time; child chooses the book.). Of course, the odd choice is fine, but if the child is making most of the decisions in the day, they will feel they are in charge, and hence really perform over meal/sleep time expectations. Dealing with meal/sleep time tantrums is hard work. Being in control of the day is hard work. Who is in charge at your house?

Demand-attention – Tantrums to get your attention away from a friend, a sibling or a task. We can proactively teach our child to accept they are part of a family, not the centre of it, by balancing their day between time alone, time with mum and dad, time with siblings and family time. Or we can reactively manage the expression of their displeasure when they do not have your full attention when they want it. Which is fun?

Toddler tantrums can be greatly minimised by gentle and patient proactive training. Day by day we can lovingly and joyfully provide a positive environment in which our child can learn self-control. The process of day-by-day training is progress. Eventually!

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Heb 12:11